The 'C' word

Commitment, the stigma attached to this dreaded word which often gets circulated at the beginning of a relationship isn’t exactly getting easier with the emerging scourge of online dating apps. The bounty of desperate single people out there all looking to get laid or find the right one is also not helping the cause of being with the right person if the commitment isn’t at the forefront.

The good news is, men aren’t the only assholes.

Commitment issues are not entirely gender-specific as they were apparent before. Although men have generally been known to carry the blame of owning commitment issues, in all honesty, women are overtaking that statistic as they are becoming more empowered and more independent.

The old practices of courtship no longer apply, encouraged by society and social norms by submerging ourselves into meaningless one-night stands, the pursuit of an emotionless “no-strings-attached” relationship and hoping to find fulfilment with another frivolous sexual encounter, all have clouded our judgement.

We are all victims of this pandemic where loyalty, trust and respect hamper our relationships and happiness in one form or another. We claim to be individuals while being dictated to by what society tells us to think.

Usually, the C-Word inevitably finds its way early in a relationship, one of us will drop the “We need to talk” bomb which, could instantaneously either mean this is the end, or this is just the beginning?

Who is to say which is more frightening - the possible break up that follows the bomb or the latter, where our partner is about to ask some sort of commitment?

The very idea of having to express dedication, devotion and attention is the very essence that scares us, even if it is just with a friend-with-benefits.

Not being ready to settle down, have kids or getting hitched is what comes to mind when hearing about commitment, however, these are merely metrics set in place by what society has portrayed commitment to mean. We, as individuals, have not yet identified what it means to us. Without complicating what society tells us to think, in its simpler form, it means this: are you ok with your partner shagging someone else?

Or is it the idea of adherence that scares us more where you are now responsible for someone else’s heart?

Far from it. It’s the idea of having to place yourself at the mercy of someone to responsible for your heart that is frightening.

Then there are other questions, “Could I do better?”, “What will I be missing out on?”.Someone better is afterall, only a single swipe away, or so we think, yet are sadly mistaken.

Are we really misunderstanding the truth that commitment lies in loyalty, trust and respect?

Failing to realise these are fundamental norms which apply to our very existence, applying the same norms to our relationships in whatever form they are, shouldn't be any different. Are we all just another potential shoplifter or granny-mugger in the making?

From a pragmatic angle, it's not shameful to ask or expect some sort of commitment from the one you're giving your goodies to. For one, getting the dreaded phone call from your soon-to-be-ex… “I have an itchy rash”, “I am pregnant and it MIGHT be yours” are two possible topics that could be removed from the “We gotta talk” session.

Then there is always, “We gotta talk… I am getting married next week”. Another dreaded thought knowing that you will be kicked to the curb soon enough.

Aside from the itchy groin syndrome or the thought of having to feed another mouth, on an emotional aspect it is difficult to bond with someone who you know is banging someone else. Yet you are expecting to be loved?

On the flip side, even more, impossible for someone to bond with you if you’re the one banging the neighbour. Yet you are expecting to find someone to love?

We all yearn to be loved in return, but fail to re-apply our own wants by not realising that we have to forfeit and pay it forward. To be loved means to give love, yet when we encounter it, we push the person away and shun the potential of love back into the pit from whence it came from, and go back to our self-pity, yearning of wanting to be loved. And the cycle continues.

This is where promiscuity has taken the lead and becoming a norm and another statistic is born, and another miserable soul is born.

But what if there is better? Hotter, sexier, smarter, richer?…

The good news, there is always someone hotter, sexier, smarter and richer. The bad news, do you match their criteria?

As much as we like to think and express about what we want in a partner, we fail to address what it is about ourselves that would attract the right partner?

In reality, are we really “all that”? Especially if the commitment matter is our number one flaw? Who is to say that the “right one” hasn't already come and gone already? Seeking a level of commitment which you were just incapable of providing and left soon after?

Perhaps it’s the state of limerence that has replaced our common sense to cloud up commitment. Like a drug it keeps us in a level of excitement of knowing you are about to bed a new person. The very thought of having a brand new sexual partner could be compromising our happiness by the temporary boost of dopamine and instant gratification. Like any artificial drug or emotion, will only just wear off after a few hours. And there we are back into our lull again. Miserable, sad, lonely and wishing for someone to love us. Destructive sabotage of our very essence.

Slowly this will eventually be hardwired and become second nature and erode at our emotional aspect only to be used as a fuck toy, purely brought on by our own selfishness and lack of committing to something possibly worthwhile.

Granted, there are aspects where we have been hurt in the past. Well buckle up buttercup, we all been hurt in the past by our first, second or third love. Just because you choked on broccoli once before does not mean you stop eating broccoli, vegetables or food... you just learn to handle your shit, like chew better next time… or be a better judge of character, towards someone new, not the broccoli...! Or better yet, perhaps realise there is a level of insecurity deep inside that maybe compromising the possibility of commitment, again, suck it up and work on it.

Gurpreet Singh said it best, “If trust has been broken in the past by a loved one or someone you relied upon, this can impact on a person’s ability to trust someone again.”. Singh also believes that low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth can also be behind a fear of commitment.

So what is the solution?

Aside from working on inner issues if there are any? Communication and intent…

Strip back the word commitment to its bare form. Trust, loyalty and honesty and work from there. If it turns out that you end up getting hurt? Well, that's good news, means you still have a pulse, and still have a heart.

If it turns out that you spent the past 7 months with this person and it doesn’t work out, who cares? People have been married for 50 years and get divorced. Afterall, it only took them half a century to realise they were with the wrong person... Both ended with heartache, so what's the difference? Nothing, but it may be worth taking the ride no matter how long or short the expiry date is. Experience it for what it is, this could only mean learning about what you want, need and expect, or better yet, learn about yourself and the value of your own self-worth.

Simplifying life is always simpler if there are guidelines, this is how the exclusivity contract always helps... I won't shag anyone if you don't shag anyone... set the rules for commitment by being open and honest - this is what it means where "let’s see where this is going" becomes practical in application where instead, without context or intent could just mean “Hey, I actually still want to shag other people, but I am shagging you to pass the time and getting laid in the process”. Which is more self-destructive and leaves you prone to more heartache?

Better to have loved than not loved at all? Rephrasing that to better to have tried than not try at all might be more applicable, and may be worth the journey.

If commitment is not reciprocated by either partner, well now, you obviously still haven’t met the right one, or worse, you might not be their “right one”. 

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