'86, a good year for bad sex

One of the perks of dating or seeking solace in the embrace of a younger lover is the exciting thought of being attractive to a younger model. Then there is the eye-candy factor; toned body, perky boobs, firmer bums, tighter... But there is a price to pay for all the aesthetics and appealing attributes, and that is enduring the risk of having really bad sex.

It’s not uncommon to hear the gripes from a more mature demographic, both male and female, who openly discuss their sexual encounters about post-1986’ers, and laying out their complaints and grievances about “the youth of today”.

Lack of imagination, terrible sex, poor effort, too “porny”, low stamina - are just some of the complaints. The sense of millennial entitlement overlooks the natural essence by adopting the attitude of bragging rights, self-obsession, the illusion of being a good lover and where having good gag reflexes is celebrated as an achievement.

1986’ers? Those that are born post 1986, which in today’s currency would be a 32-year-old. Newly dubbed as the ‘86 rule.

This is not limited to the general idea that the source of bad sex is gender-based either, far from it, the consensus is that post ‘86’ers are lacking the absolute sensuality that sex can offer, which instead, often rely or depend on mimicked actions from watching copious hours of porn clips.

Not to say that there isn’t the odd ‘86’er out there who has risen above the chimp and achieved god-like sexual superpowers; surely not, but it requires a fair amount of digging through the thorns to find that perfect rose.

In today’s copy-paste world, boudoir antics are almost automated; submission of the female, stimulation of her organs, make her call you Daddy, throw her around in several positions for 20 minutes (if they’re lucky), and bang - it’s all over. That was sex.

Sadly, she will think this is the norm as to “what guys like”, and will automatically assume the legs-akimbo position on the next encounter. And so the cycle is complete.

Today, the +35’er seeks a more sophisticated bedroom lover, one that understands what sensuality and imagination mean. Imagination without absurdity or the need for external devices to make a sexual encounter more worthwhile - sure is fun, but not if it’s always applied or required.

The fine art of oral-coition has also been affected and diminished with time, reduced to the disillusioned idea that the best 'hummer' is achieved by him administering a phallic-induced tonsillectomy on her, enough for her gag reflexes to kick in, complete with excessive gargling - oddly similar to the sound of someone about to vomit. And this is sexual?

Cunniling is apparently even easier to enact, simply by applying the "tornado-technique" or by reciting the alphabet on her lady-bits in a tongue-like-spelling-bee-contest. Pure evidence on the lack of imagination, effort and sensuality.

Failure to reach climax, failure to compose climax, terrible reciprocation, disfigured rhythms, incoherent thrusting and juddering of appendages with excessively annoying vocality of forced whining and moaning - and so the list of complaints continue.

The conclusion: sensuality and pure pleasure are becoming extinct and monochromatic. Sex with a post ‘86’er is more of an administrative headache where it feels like a chore of having to train a new puppy, all over again.

Sure, it’s probably thrilling to some older men who will find it insightful and meaningful to mentor younglings on experiencing better sexual encounters, but not at all appealing after spending the next 12 weeks on privately run sex-ed classes, only to find that she is completely un-trainable.

There are, however, the much sought after, experienced, more patient MILF’s and Cougars. The holy grail of all holy grails. They remain the number one prized achievement of many-a-young-men, who set out to seek her guidance to enhance, improve and hone his sexual skills. Which he can one day, share with the world. Although patient, they too have their limits and gripes about having to administer younger men, they too, after all, have needs that need to be fulfilled by men, actual men.

Sadly, with the new generation moving in, this sacred sanctity of Cougarship is at risk and it too, will one day become extinct, only to be replaced by vapid, monochromatic, vanilla flavoured ‘86-cougars when the current generation comes of age.

Sexist? No, it's ageist, 86’ers are just lousy lovers.

So why 1986 specifically?

Simple, the pornographic revolution mixed with feeble-mindedness, self-entitlement, all-knowingness and instant gratification will, of course, result in a different breed.

It’s not that pornography is getting worse or more absurd, that has always been there. Murals on the surviving walls in Pompeii are a testimony of this, depicting crude and bizarre acts of sexuality. That was the Ancient Roman version of PornHub. The 2k pornographic revolution just meant that pornography just became more accessible to more people, to all ages, at any time, anywhere. At least Pompeii had sensual orgies.

Come 2007, PornHub kicked off, offering nothing more than the same “When Willy met Sally” porn sequence of the same tedious and mundane humping - scene after scene, clip-after-clip the same dull positions could be found over a thousand different video feeds.

Nothing different from the 90’s internet boom where porn was just as tedious, except for one thing, it wasn't that easily available, sexual gratification had to be earned through experience and being better at it, meant being a better lover.

Not to say that porn is bad, far from it, it does have a negative effect if it's used as a source instead of a reference or a supplement. The desire or inkling to learn more through imagination or better experiences is easily diminished by using pornography as a source instead. The lazy-person's “this is how it’s done” attitude.

This is keeping agony Aunties incredibly busy in trying to decipher and make sense of it all by attempting to assist people with their ill sex lives - by prescribing more porn and more devices.

We’re substituting our natural ability to arouse, arise and surprise our partners by what’s seen in porn. They do seem to be having fun, after all.

The Mexican standoff comes in to play when our very own sexual abilities are an extension of previous experiences - limited as to what we experienced from other lovers. So wouldn’t it make more sense to find better lovers then?

There is too much focus on the deed of having sex …

Qualitative metrics are being replaced by quantitative quotients, believing that the more lovers one obtains, the better they become at sex. On the contrary, just because someone can change a 1,000 light bulbs a week, does not necessarily make them an electrical engineer.

Granted, the counter-argument from ‘86’ers will disagree and argue that they have good sex. Hardly a moment for applause, this could just mean they never had better.

The solution for ‘86er-males? Find a Cougar now before it’s too late, learn from her wisdom and share it. And for the ‘86er-women? Claim back your natural ability to be sensual, find better lovers - and don’t call him “Daddy”, ever!

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