The science of the perfect hug

There we were, three friends sitting at a coffee shop laughing and joking about an embarrassing incident that occurred the night before - at my expense, no doubt. Suddenly, our attention was drawn to a couple about three tables down, purely for the strange, bumbling behaviour that was going on.

We watched on because we were nosy and find human interaction fascinating, especially when it's two nervous newly-daters. Call it twisted, morbid curiosity.

As she entered his proximity, he noticed, looked up and greeted with that nervous "oh, hehe, hey, good to see you again". Definitely nervous newly-daters, which has its innocent charm in some way. He stands up to hug her, and as he does the act, all three whispered under our breaths "urgh... What The Fuck"

Sure was a beautiful moment and salute the man on his efforts, but... he gave her the WTF hug.

When it comes to the newly-daters or first-time encounters, the hug delivery has to be done right, not only to appease the physical aspects, but also to enable a subconscious connection.

When greeting, the perfect hug will give off the perfect vibe and break the ice making each other feel comfortable with no reservations. On departing, it has to be extra special to leave a lasting memory and to omit either person wondering later, "What a shit hug".

Had the great and wise Abraham Lincoln once said, during that 4 score speech, "The anatomy of a hug shall maketh or breaketh the man".

And he would have been right, there is definitely a science behind a hug. It carries a certain responsibility to make the hug count as something special; to make someone feel needed, missed, loved and welcomed. 

So what is the WTF Hug and what are the other types of hugs that make this science work?  

The WTFH

Pronounced "wha-ta-fa-huh" or "What The Fuck Hug".

This hug is usually performed with his arm around her, while his ass hangs back as to not permit any penile contact.

The second configuration of the WTFH, is when his body is contorted to the side. In other words, his upper body faces her, while his lower body is twisted 90 degrees facing to either side (again to omit "inappropriate penile contact"). Think along the lines of him looking as though he's about to do the opening pitch for the New York Yankees.

This hug should never be given to any other human being, and should only be reserved for hugging lower-order primates where genital contact is usually not a necessary requirement.

The Bear Hug

The embrace where bodies touch face-to-face with some contact downstairs. It's the brave granddaddy of the WTFH, but with no ass hang-time, and not afraid of any genitalia contact.

It can get a little awkward if he really, really likes her and he starts pitching something else other than a baseball (Well??) Even more awkward if he starts to inconspicuously grind against her.

Nevertheless, his body is perfectly aligned with hers as they embrace. As he holds her, she feels warm, safe, welcomed, wanted and comfortable. Pretty much the accepted standard for any relationship type. Intensity can be adjusted according to the grip and pressure squeezes.

The Cracken

Difficult to explain but easy to notice. All you see are arms everywhere as he hugs her. Usually smothering her around the neck area and him squeezing her a little too much. If you're standing behind him, you can sometimes see her eyes turn blood red and lips turn purple. That's when you know he has delivered the perfect Cracken.

Acceptable if it's an overeager octopus that's about to devour its prey.

The One-Armed-Bandit

The suave of hugs. Bodies are aligned side by side, his one arm around her neck or across her mid-back and he gives a little pull towards him. Usually, both will be smiling and a peck on the cheek polishes the hug off quite nicely.

A favourite hug as it gives off that "Yeah, I roll with it" vibe. Acceptable in all relationship types.

The Lift and Squeeze Hug

Embracing her tightly and lifting her up and towards him. Usually followed with a slight "nyuuuuuuh" sound as he lifts her because he is generally happy to see her. A peck on the cheek or forehead finishes this hug off perfectly. 

Nailed it!

The added advantage of this hug is the craftiness of the sound he makes, especially if she is... hmm, like a good wine... rather full bodied.

The sound will come across as though he is excited to see her, but the strain caused from her... umm... volumetrics, will be masked. A peck on the cheek is imperative.

Only acceptable if he can pre-calculate the weight-to-ability ratios, once he has committed to doing the Lift and Squeeze, he cannot pussy out.

Either way, it's a favourite hug because it's a little bit more passionate, and usually reserved if they are familiar with each other.

The Runner Up Hug

It's the Lift and Squeeze with an adaptation. She sets her mark, gets set and launches herself towards his arms with a running start. She then leaps into his embrace after reaching 92mph, while wearing a huge smile on her face.

In the meantime, he stands there with arms wide open waiting for her to reach maximum velocity hoping his calculations are accurate. He then catches her and finishes off with a Lift and Squeeze.

It's incredibly passionate and popular amongst couples who love sharing "movie moments". 

The Special Friend Hug

Type I - Bodies aligned side by side, his one arm around her neck, waist or shoulders, while the other hand comes under her jawline and pats her on the cheek. His cheek is usually touching her other cheek while he wears a goofy smile on his face.

Type 2 - Bodies aligned face to face, his arms around her neck, waist or shoulders in a loose fashion, looking similar to a chimpanzee that's about to swing off of her. Usually, his cheek is resting on her upper chest or his face is snuggled under her armpit, for no apparent reason.

It's painful enough to watch when two friends do this, torture when seeing two "potential lovers" do it. Only acceptable when it's a "special" friend showing appreciation for their new colouring pencils. Think Ruprecht from the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels here. 

The Zippy Hug

A quick zip-in-zip-out hug which is too fast to recognise any form of affection or technique, but long enough to come across as a polite greeting.

Acceptable when hugging interfering mother-in-laws or people you don't like. Actually, the same thing really...!

The Awkward Hug

The hug that's not a hug, but then it's a hug, then it's not, and eventually ends up as a half-assed WTFH. It's the "Hmm should I... shouldn't I..." hug.

Awkward for the two performers and highly awkward for bystanders watching this go down.

The Uncle Ernie Hug

Hands are a little too familiar and a little too close to her ass. His hands might also "conveniently" wander around her back a little too much. If he's a seasonal Uncle E, there might be some heavy breathing, a little light drooling, or if he's a roller, a short ear nibble might be thrown in as part of the deal.

It's only an Uncle Ernie if she feels uncomfortable and dirty after the interaction, otherwise, perfectly acceptable amongst lovers, minus the drooling and the duct-tape in his right hand, of course (unless it's "their thing"). Then there is the odd chance of his name being... Ernie. Aaah... super awkward!

The Kill-Me-Now Hug

He hugs her, and she does not respond... at all. Painful to experience, painful to see, and painful to write about.

The grab

Type I - Approach is from behind the subject, he embraces her and finishes it off by holding her hands and letting them hang naturally down by the subjects "hoohoo" area.

Type II - The subject is approached from behind and is wrapped up in his arms in a warm embrace.

Both are very acceptable depending on the closeness of the relationship.

The Okay Okay

A hug that is lasting just a little too long. The second she taps him on the head, back or shoulder, followed by either "okay... okay", "I just need to go to pee" or "get the fuck off of me!" is usually an indication that this went on a little too long.

The Aaaaw

The perfect bear hug with a little extra squeeze added, and neatly finished off with a twisty or side to side dance-like-motion. Very acceptable if you are acquainted, as it gives that ultra-feeling of being happy to see each other again.

Pulling off the perfect hug

It is a debate if his arms should be around her neck, shoulders or under her arms, or vice versa. It comes down to simple dimensions, really.

If she is shorter, he either uses the Lift and Squeeze technique (with volumetrics in mind) or he lowers himself to go beneath her arms, or he could just wrap her in an embrace, remembering she may have to breathe at some point.

If she is taller, whatever works as long as he remembers to turn his head on approach, as to not stare her square in the crotch.

Happy hugging!

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