Silky, strong, durable... What's in a condom?

Showing off your "Mr Big's Super Ribbed Chocolate Flava's" condom wrapper isn't necessarily an indication as to how sophisticated or adventurous you are in bed, no. Turns out, there's a bit more science involved when it comes to choosing the right condom variety.

Because we are not all the same, condom manufacturers have created a plethora of choices when it comes to selecting that special johnny to enhance our sexual pleasure.

To help you make the right choices, we have another friendly-go-to-guide:

Thins and Ultra-Thins

Most men will opt for Thin or Ultra-Thin condoms for that close, natural smoothness and feel. This sounds very similar to a shaving commercial. But it's true, a close feel means a smoother, more natural sensation during that moment of pleasure.

It can be intimidating to some people as these varieties do look flimsy. But you can relax, they undergo rigorous testing standards to ensure that you're not at risk of catching something weird or sprouting a mini-me 9 months later.

The downside.

Well, they are thin and need a little care, so you may want to read up on why condoms break for more insight first.

Climax Control

Yes, there are some men who are incredibly sensitive on the tip, thus making them prone to climaxing sooner, much to her disappointment. Hence why Durex came to her rescue and launched Performax Intense. This creates a numbing effect to help him last longer and keep her happier.

The downside.

It could be too numbing and he may not reach a peak at all. Tough times.

Ribbed, Shaped and for Her Pleasure

Those ridges, bumps and treads are specifically designed to help her orgasm. Think tyres here, more control even in wet conditions.

Granted, they do not necessarily guarantee a bigger or better orgasm, but they can add to her pleasure, hence the name "Her Pleasure".

There is one downside to this. She may not like the idea of being taken off-road with these aerodynamic features. Women are not cardboard cut-outs, and have different tastes, pleasures and opinions. There's that, and you may come across as a sexual deviant if you present these on your first sex-date.

So, to save embarrassment, perhaps get to know her a little better first? Remember, being a gentleman goes a long way.

Spermicide

The devil is in the detail. Sperm = Sperm; i = i ; Cide = Kill, Sperm-i-kill. This clever idea stops those little swimmers dead in their tracks.

It's pretty much an added barrier for those who are incredibly fertile (we think), but it generally reminds us of when we were teenagers, completely paranoid about pregnancies. Nevertheless, it serves its purpose.

The downside.

It could give her an allergic reaction. So before buying in bulk, test it out and get her feedback first.

Sensation Lubes

There will be a point where you need to lube up. You know, for those prolonged sex-marathons or if you're just a rough little champion.

There's a huge variety of lubricants with sensational additives on the market, fire and ice, pepperminty, tingly, sparkly, wetty, smoothy, foresty... We bet there is even Habanero Chilli out there too! Who knows? Imagine there is!

But whatever you choose, you should consult your partner about this first, just in case she is averse to the idea or if she has a history of allergic reactions.

Again, don't be that twat who doesn't think about these things.

Using additional lubes is a great introduction to your dirty little sexcapades, as long as they are not oil based. Why not oil-based? Have a look here on why condoms break. 

Flavoured condoms

If you've ever dreamt the possibility of one day buying chocolate-vanilla flavoured wall-paper paste, well now, you're sure in for a treat. 

Flavoured condoms are a novelty, something fun to try during oral sex. Think edible underwear here. Boy, are they fun! But they seem to lack that correct ball support when playing a round of Tennis, got it? Novelty.

The downside? The ingredients used to get those elaborate "virgin-pineapple-in-a-sea-breeze-flavour" can cause serious irritation.

Also, those Fun-Flayva-Flayva's don't all seem to carry the valid safety endorsements. For some reason, some brands seem to bypass testing standards.

Look, buy a few for this weekend, have all the fun you want with them. But if you're planning an all boy's vacation to Thailand this summer, you may want to stick to something a bit more conventional than Lolly-Liquoricious.

Latex-Free

These are the real deal when it comes to being a sensibly sensitive lover.

Latex-free condoms check all the boxes in safety, reliability and allergy free.  This is fast becoming the smartest choice in condoms, as polyisoprene counters many of the allergic triggers. 

Last on our list, leaving the best for last, is...

Lambskins!

Yes, you read that right, lambskin as in the skin of a lamb.

Sounds sick, right? But, don't knock it just yet. Lambskins are known to be the most luxurious when it comes to condoms. It's safe, natural, smooth and offers incredible sensations. So much so, that those who have tried it will not switch to any other type - ever.

Granted, it may not impress your vegan girlfriend, no. However, if it's au naturel you prefer and concerned about the environment, well, that's the alternative.

Ok, so there is a downside.

They do have a peculiar smell to them, but you can get used to it. Then there's the colour. A contrasty skin colour which makes your piece look a bit like a prosthetic appendage.

Then there's that one catch too. It's effective against pregnancy only. That's right, they do not protect against STD's.

Oh, we forgot to mention... You may hear your subconscious whispering: "Bro, you do know you are technically fucking a baby sheep..."

But, if you can get past all that, this is the closest you will ever get to her with a hoodie on. Think of it as direct skin-on-skin-on-skin action. 

So what's the point you ask?

Well, we had the same thoughts initially, until a "friend" tried it. We then felt it should be part of this article. 

Still, this prophylactic haggis is amusing and well worth a try.

Read more on taintedguava.com.